PCOS vs. Body Image

I haven't been doing much in the way of new cosplays these days.  There are a few reasons for this.  First I haven't had the financial stability to do so until recently.  Second I haven't had the physical space in my living conditions, which as also recently changed.  Now that we have moved we are working on unpacking from the move still.  (A.K.A. Everything is in a state of unorganized chaos.  We just found the silverware today, and we have been here for over two weeks.)  Third now that I have to the first two things I haven't had the time.  I currently work two jobs and go to school full time.  Summer semester ended last week.  I have one week off before fall classes start.  If I have free time I spend it trying to relax a little bit and organize the chaos a little bit.  And my final reason, I'm self conscious about my recent weight gain.

This is my cat Alucard (A.K.A. Squeakers) .  I added this picture no reason other than its cuteness.

  Now I understand the whole idea of love your body, and positive body image.  I have even gone though my list of coplays that I want to do, and found some that I would be more than comfortable doing with the extra weight.  However, I am still going to loose that weight, and it isn't because of body image.  I have much more important reasons as to why I will loose the weight.

I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS).  The excess weight will lead to diabetes, heart disease, cancer, infertility, even more rapid extra weight gain, and most likely a host of other ailments.  When I am at a "healthy weight" as designated by my doctor, all these ailments become less likely.  With the extra weight the are almost certainties.  So, you can see why loosing the extra weight is important to me.

Now, why am I telling everyone this?  I am currently about  50 pounds overweight (or about 4 dress sizes), and I have had many people tell me that I look great or hide the weight well.  I am taking medications, doing what I can to eat healthy, and with a bit of luck I will start exercising soon.  Even when I am at my doctor recommending healthy weight I can't stop eating healthy and exercising.  If I did stop I would start gaining weight.  The last time I was in my healthy weight zone I had many people accuse me of having poor body image or being anorexic for doing what I had to do for my health.  I had many people trying to body shame me for wanting to be healthy.  They made me feel guilty for doing the things that my doctor told me to do.  They people that I was hoping would support me instead did the opposite, because the media and all the other information outlets talk about body image and weight.  As if the only reason someone would be dieting is for weight loss.  Or the only reason someone wants to loose weight is body image.  There is far more reasons than those.  Remember you don't know the struggles that others are facing.  Do what you can to support them through their struggles.  They will appreciate that more than anything.  Yes, there are people out there that DO have bad body image issues.  I'm not saying they don't.  I just don't think it is as common as you would think.  I am working with my doctor on this, and have been for more than 10 years.  I'm just a woman struggling with health issues that is getting tired of all the false body image issues the people keep accusing me of having.  I don't think I am the only one either.

All I ask is please be kind to one another, and try not to judge someone until you have all of the facts.  (Better yet, don't judge them at all if possible. They need your support far more than your judgment.)  Have compassion for each other.

World of Warcraft Valentine's Day Gift

So it is April, and I'm posting about what I made my partner for Valentine's Day.  Yeah, I'm a bit behind on my blog updates.  But, my homework is up to date.  (Can't blame a college student for being busy with homework.  Right?)  Sorry, for the late post either way.  This year I was struggling with finding a way to show the special guy in my life how much I love him, and do it in a way that is uniquely him and me . . . on a very, very tight budget.  My health has been really bad since last December and I was unable to work the first few months this year because of it.  (I am much better now for those that are wondering.  Even if doctors still have no idea what happened or why.)  But I settled on making a counted cross stitch bookmark with a World of Warcraft theme.

 The first thing I needed to do was create the pattern to follow.  My guy is a "Horde for life" person, so naturally I had to use a Horde logo.  I personally don't have any real pull toward either faction other than I like playing with Dustin so, I play Horde.  I also have some Alliance characters.  I play Pandaren.  I am quite happy on either side.  If you would like this pattern modified for Alliance or with a Hearth Stone feel free to message me, and I will see what I can do to make that happen for you if you are unable to modify the pattern yourself.  >^.~<

I pulled this off of the Blizzard Gear web page, but it looks like they no longer have it posted.  Otherwise I would have posted a link.  This is what I used to pull the Horde logo from.

I then took this file and edited it so I had a cut out of the Horde logo.

Lok'Tar Ogar!

From here I put this into my graph paper file and then made it slightly transparent so that I could see the the lines from the graph paper.  I then filled in the corresponding spots to make my logo.

Every crafter need to have graph paper.  Especially if you ever plan to make your own pattern.  I've used it countless times for cross stitch, kitting, and other things.  It comes in very handy.  I created this file years ago, and I still pull it out when I start a new project.

Your typical 100 X 50 graph paper.  Feel free to download and use this for your own purposes.

If you don't play World of Warcraft there is an annual event called "Love is in the Air" that corresponds with the week of Valentine's Day.  There is an item you can buy during this time called a "Bag of Heart Candies".  One of the heart candies reads "I'll follow you all around Azeroth".  This was perfect for my Valentine's Day gift while being both equally nerdy and referencing actual game content.  I found a font I liked, and followed the same steps I did for the logo to make the rest of the pattern.  On a note about text with patterns:  make sure each instance of the letter matches.  (Such as all your "A" need to be the same.)   There are other things that need to match up also.  If you look at the "E" and the "F" here you will notice the similarities.  Much like the "R," "D," "O," and "U" all have similar characteristics.

And here we have the finished pattern.  The center of the pattern is the red line between the Horde logo and the text.

The fabric I opted to use was unbleached.  I felt that it had a more Horde-ish feel too it.

This is is my fabric choose.  I would have preferred a 16 or 18 count, but they only had bleached white in those counts at the store.

I always mark the center lines on my fabric with a color of thread that is completely unrelated to anything I will actually be using in my work.  I also normally will put masking tape around the edges of the fabric so that it won't fray.  But, in this instance the more frayed the better.  That way it would look more warn and battle damaged.

Sorry, it may be difficult to see the green thread, but this is what it should look like.

My guy likes shiny things.  So I used one strand each of DMC E321 and DMC 817 for the red, and DMC 310 and E310 for the black.  This is what it looked like before I did any back stitching.  As you can tell I also added a bit of extra fabric around the edges.  I added 10 squares from the edge of the design on each side.

You can see a bit of how the shiny thread will catch the light.  It looks amazing in firelight.

I did a black back stitch around the Horde logo, but left the lettering as is.  I also took out the green guild stitching I put in at the beginning.

And here is the finished bookmark.

I added my initials and the year in the lower right hand corner of the bookmark.  This is completely optional if you wanted to do something similar.  And there you have my nerdy rendition of Valentine's Day gift giving 2015 in April.  It was finished in time for the actual Valentine's Day gift giving . . . the blog update was not.

There is No Box

I'm doing a bit of mental cleaning these days.  Over the past few years I feel that I have gotten of track on my own personal path of self growth, understanding, and success.  So, I want to document the things that I wanted to focus on and possibly share it with others.  Please, feel free to comment, discuss, and share your own experiences.  I will be adding motivational posters that have left a deep impact on me, as well as songs to the picture captions.  >^.^<

I want to start with something way back in 2002 (my senior year of high school).  I was a member of the Blue Knights Drum and Bugle Corps.  I could not give enough props to Chris Previc our Visual Caption Head.  As another corps member pointed out to me, he was a genius but he was before his time and was not appreciated the way he should have been.  He said many influential things but the most important was, "I'm not going to tell you to 'think outside the box'.  That is too cliche and it is inaccurate, because there is no box.  The box is of our own design, based on our own limitations and experiences.  Now, go think and reflect on what that means."  And I did, a lot, because, at the time, I didn't understand what he meant.  Finally many days, and a few months later I figured something out.  Mostly that I didn't truly believe anything.  I just took everyone's word that what they said was the truth.  This was pretty life stopping for my 18-year-old self.  I patched up some of the walls of my box, so I could go about my regular business.

"More Than What I Am" by Mankind is Obsolete. The answer to her question, "How can I rise from this place that I'm in if I can't be more than what I am?" that I found was "others".  From friends to family, to random people we meet along the way.  This was a hard lesson for me to learn.  As my mom puts it I am "stubbornly independent."

Jump ahead a few years.  As I start to rebuild myself and I stumble upon "The Dark Side of the Light Chasers" by Deborah Ford.  This is so understated.  The amount of things I have taken from this is invaluable.  At the time I read this I was a perfectionist for all of the wrong reasons.  I did it to hear people tell me I was a good girl, and be praised.  Nothing more.  I thought people wouldn't love me or be my friend if I wasn't perfect.  I was a Light Chaser.  I will focus on two things that Deborah brings up that I contemplate on a lot.  The first being a mental exercise start with an outcome, something you could never see yourself doing.  Let's for the sake of the exercise, say something small like running a stop sign.  Now think of any possible reason that you can come up with why you would have done that.  You didn't see that stop sign, a loved one was injured and you were rushing them to the hospital, etc.  But that is how the exercise works.  It expands your perspective of the world.  And made for a wonderful foundation of my life without a box.  The second thing she points out is a story about a mansion with hundreds of rooms.  Each room is well lit.  The mansion is our mind and our talents.  We are born capable of doing anything.  Yet, as we go through life we start shutting doors and not developing talents based on others' opinions of us.  It may not be direct insult but even someone saying, "What a cute cow you drew," when in fact you drew your dog, could have left a big enough impression that you shut the door to your drawing talent/room.  So, by the time we are adults we only live in say 2-4 rooms.  Deborah challenges to think of what our lives would be like if we kept all of the rooms open.  (This is why I support all of my friends, and all of their many talents.  I don't want you to close your doors.  Live your life to the fullest, develop, and grow.  :D)

"Try" by Pink.  The lyrics that had the most impact on me where "Where there is desire there is going to be a flame.  Where there is a flame someone's bound to get burned.  Just because you burn doesn't mean your going to die.  You've got to get up and try."  There are a lot of things in life this can pertain to, but pretty much the thought of failure and pain should not hold you back from your passions.

More recently I met a Korean woman.  Here in the United States where I live people have a stereotype about Asians being good at everything.  This woman felt obligated to have to live up to that expectation.  The level of effort she went to live up to this was astounding to me.  Yet, it was also a big eye opener for me.  Motivation.  People have a good level of motivation do to the things that they love.  I had lost mine.  I had forgotten the amount of work that it took to get me to the places and level of skill that I had once achieved.  In short I was slacking, and not living up to my own level of effort to achieve my own life goals.  And to be quite honest the cultural differences in the mind set of people in the United States and Asia are quite different.  Some times it is a matter of what you stand to loose if you don't achieve the level of skill mastery, or grades, or job that you are working for.  This is when I started to do things like have pictures or strong women and motivational quotes on my computer desktop.  They are there to constantly remind me of the fact that I am strong and capable of achieving my goal at my set level of mastery that I have for myself.  And don't be afraid to raise your hand, say I made a mistake, and doing it all over again.  (Another thing from Chris Previc.)

"Victory" by Mankind is Obsolete.  This whole song pretty much hits home to me.

That pretty much sums up what I wanted to put down as the backbone of what I am going to be doing over the next little while.  Just a last touch that through everything you do make sure you have fun.  Sometimes you need to create your own fun.  I have a book that I have never read, but I keep on the shelf so I can read the title "Life Doesn't Have to be a Struggle".  That is all I need to read to be reminded that "struggle" is optional.

My Two Bits on Fandoms, Cosplay, and Cons

There has been a bit of negative feed back about cosplayers and congoers in general.  I write this as a general response to explain what cosplay is to those that are not familiar with the term.

Most people would agree that everyone has a hobby, past time, or thing that they enjoy.  From collecting stamps, to studying history, to watching your favorite sports team.  People will have varying degrees of how "into" their chosen activity (fandom) that they are comfortable with.

My first example:  I had a coworker that loved to collect stamps.  As a stamp collector you can either collect the themed stamps like Looney Tunes or you can collect rare and valuable stamps like ones that were misprints. People will either stay at home and causally collect stamps.  There are people that will run their own stamp selling businesses.  My coworker owns his own store on ebay to sell stamps and once a year he is the head of security at the stamp emporium held at his home town.  May I point out that the stamp emporium is a three day long event held over the weekend, is at a convention center, and you can attend seminars about stamps.

My second example:  I'm fairly certain that we have all at least one point in time ran into a history buff.  (Yeah, I know I'm making an assumption here.)  Even here you will run into varying degrees of fandom.  You have people that causally study history in their free time, you have people that study history in college, you have people that will go out and dig up artifacts, and you have people that will get together in costume and reenact particular battles or time periods in history.

My third example:  This will hit a little bit closer to home for must people - sports fans.  There are even varying degrees of sports fans.  You have the people that will sit at home and watch a game every now and then, you have the people that will invite their friends over to watch a game, you have the fantasy league players, you have the people who play on company teams, and you have the fans the dress up to support their favorite team/player.  Just check out this web page if you don't understand what I am trying to say:  Crazy Football Fan Costumes.

As you can see there are plenty of examples out their.  I could do the same for any hobby or as I have been calling them "fandom".  Because, no matter what you call it the activity is the same.  My hobbies are watching anime, playing video games, sewing, crafting, drinking tea, and many other things.  But I can also call them my fandoms, because they are the things that I am a fan of.  People don't call the people that what to share a piece of history with you be total immersion (Renaissance faires, Medieval Times dinner joist, Civil War Reenactments, etc.) freaks.  And most people wouldn't say that they are "just looking for attention".  The same goes for the extreme sports fans.  Most people just say that they are "huge fans" and "really into the game".  So, I ask why do cosplayers get this negative feed back?  All they are really doing is enjoying their fandom to the extremest way they can, and most often or not they also want to share it will you.

And now my bit about cons.  There are a lot of different types of conventions.  From the anime, sci fi, comic book, and gaming cons, to things like stamp collecting, cosmetics, yoga retreats, business, information technology, stamp collecting, and many many more.  Pretty much if you are a fan there will be a way that you can share your fandom with others, and be able to learn more about your fandom.  There really is not need to point at one particular group or level of fandom, and start poking fun or name calling.  We all have our own interests.  There is no wrong or right way for you to enjoy or hobbies (beyond staying within the bounds of the law).  I am also not about to walk into a car show and be upset about the fact that most of the people there were car and automotive enthusiasts.  But what I will do is ask them questions.  I will ask them, "How did you got your car?" "What makes your car different?" I will ask them, "What got you interested in cars?"  I will do what I can to understand why they enjoy what they do.

So, in short lets not single out any particular fandoms to discriminate against, and all just try to understand each other.  Or at least try and understand that we all enjoy different things at varying levels of personal involvement.  >^.^<

On a Topic Completely Unrelated to Crafts, Cons, or Cosplay

I just watched this video:  http://www.upworthy.com/a-4-year-old-girl-asked-a-lesbian-if-shes-a-boy-she-responded-the-awesomest-way-possible?c=ufb3.  Which has some very good points about it.  And she is very much correct.  We all have our own closets.  Some people might be down right irritated or irate with some of the things that I am about to write.  Honestly after seeing the video there are somethings that I can't get out of my mind, and my mind needs to be focused on my present situation and improving my future and not things that have happened to me in the past.

I photo of me just before a chamber orchestra concert my final year at Webster University 2012.  Shortly thereafter I received a Bachelor of Art in Music a task that was 10 years for me to achieve. (I was hoping to find a photo from around the time that my story starts, but alas, I don't have any that old on my PC.  Sorry everyone.)

There are 2 things that have irritated me to no end.  First off the people that look at my life during stages where things were going well and tell me, "Your life is so perfect."  The second being feminists that believe in so strongly in rape culture that they call men "Schrodinger's Rapist".  The first group simply isn't looking at all the things that you have had to deal with and overcome to get to the things that you have achieved.  This only really irritates me if after attempting to explain to them that we all have our struggles and "problems" in life, and they still blindly believe that there are people out there that don't.  And, not only that, but you are one of them.  The other group I'll get to after a bit more explaining.

I've always wanted to learn how to defend myself, and as a young girl I would ask my parents if I could take martial arts classes or even a self defense course.  To which I was greeted with, "There will always be a man around to protect you."  Which all in all may be true for some people.  I like to have a positive outlook on life, and I think it would be great if there is at least one person in history that this was true for.  But for me it was not the case.  I did ask, "Well, what if there is no man around?"  The response I got was, "There will ALWAYS be one around."  I didn't even think at the time to ask, "But, what if the man that is suppose to protect me is the one attacking me?"

(I know rip off the band-aid and spit it out already.  Somethings just sound better when there is a bit of explaining first . . . or at least I think so.  Mental perpetration and all of the readers . . . all 5 of you.)  So, here goes . . . I was raped . . . 3 separate occasions . . . by 3 different people . . . in less than a year.  For the most part I keep it a secret.  For starters I don't want it to alter the way people see me and interact with me.  And, secondly I don't want to hurt my parents.  I don't want them to think that they did anything to cause the situation.  In short I didn't want them to blame themselves for what happened to me.  It wasn't their fault.

It happened during my first year as an "adult".  Right out of high school, still trying to figure out life, myself, and the world in general.  The first 2 times it happened I hadn't even gone that far of my own choosing.  So, the experience colored my interactions with people for a while, a long while.  But, I never once blamed every single man the ever walked the Earth.  Why?  Perhaps, because my second attacker was a woman.  (Yes, you read that correctly.  A woman was raped by another woman.)  Perhaps, because I think that everyone is free to act and think according to their own choosing.  Or, maybe because I truly, believe that everyone is different and not everyone would do the same things in those situations.  This is why I don't agree with the "Schrodinger's Rapist" group.  I always counter act it with "Pavlov's Victim".  To which for a long time I was.  I had conditioned myself to be a victim.  I wore the title "victim" like small children wear their favorite outfit.

It took 3 years of training in Aikido to realize the problems with my mindset.  I was under the tutelage of some very great men at Kodama School of Aikido.  Which is also a part of Makoto Aikido Kyokai.  Or at least it was.  Last I heard they had to stop having regular classes which is a shame.  There are some very great lessons to be learned there.

The "victim" image even clouded my marriage.  I don't exactly blame my husband, but I do blame myself for not getting out of a bad situation sooner.  I had been married for less than 6 months when I knew that my marriage would fail.  Not from lack of trying . . . at least on my part.  If I put myself in a situation I will see it through to the end.  But, he had given up on me.  He had given up on trying to help me, understand me, and was blaming me for some of the obstacles I had with intimacy.  My feelings of inadequacy were heightened even more when I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome.  The religion I grew up in said it was a woman's duty to provide her husband with children, and here I was faced with the reality that may never happen.  My husband at the time "distanced" himself from me because "he didn't want to be hurt if he lost me".  Yet, he wouldn't listen to me when I said it is a non-lethal condition.

After my husband finally left me.  On the other side of the country from anyone I knew and having not left me establish friendships of my own for 7 years.  That is when I got into conventions, and cosplay.  So, those of you that were going to go into the "Well, if she didn't hang around THOSE type of people she wouldn't have had that happen."  Or the "If you didn't wear THOSE costumes that wouldn't have happened to you."  You can take a hike.  THOSE people and THOSE costumes brought me my friends, and helped me to build a support network that healed me over time.  I know see that I am a worthwhile human being, and that I can be respected for who I am and not what my body has to offer.

There you have it in a very tight nutshell.  There is so much more to the story than that.  But, if you have read this far, I thank you for caring.  I do hope that my story will help other women overcome some of their emotional and mental issues they have from similar situations.  I want to see something good come out of this situation.  So, feel free to share this story if you are moved to do so.

$1.00 Crafting Days

It has been a while since I posted anything.  I have been busy, and quite a few things have changed in my life.  I now have a full time job, I moved twice (in one month no less), and I've returned to school to pursue a second bachelors degree.  At this point in time crafts have been coming in quick little projects that I can get done in one sitting.  I'm still working a few long term projects.  Some of this is due to not having time.  Some of it is due to me making things for my wonderful sister.  Some of it comes from not having any space to make anything (now living in a friend's attic.  Kind of small, but it came prefurnished.  So, are stuff is all in storage . . . including all of my craft stuff minus a few things I had out that I was working on.)  And, some of it is due to not having much money for large craft projects.  I have some plans for some fun things to come once I get a bit more cash flow coming in.  This all leads me to my current post my $1.00 craft days.  >^.^<

Ladybug key chain kit from Target

This was the first one I picked up.  I remember making little bead lizards in middle school, and I saw this I picked it up on a whim.  It was nice to have the afternoon as break.  Plus, it was a good reward for finishing up my homework early one week.

I call this one "Glitter by Number"

I work next to a Dollar Tree.  I often go over there to pick up this to occupy my time during down time at work.  Normally in the form of puzzle books and brain teasers I do on my breaks.  I picked this one up because it reminded me of Dustin and myself.  It is a sticker that has a wax paper back with a stenciled image on it that comes off based on the lines.  Each piece has a number on it based on glitter color.  Take the back off one section at a time and cover it with the corresponding glitter.  After everything is covered in glitter you are left with a glitter picture.

I do apologize for the photos.  My camera is also in storage and I had to you my phone, so they are a we bit blurry.  Things will be interesting for a while, but I think I am okay with that.  Nothing in life is permanent.  I am also figuring out ways to still enjoy my hobbies in my current situation.

Thy Nemesis Becomes You

One of my favorite comics is 9 Chickweed Lane.  There are many reasons I love it.  One being the strong female characters as well as the arts and family themes.  Here is a link to it:  http://www.gocomics.com/9chickweedlane  Something I have always loved about the story line was how the women in their family have alter egos.  They use their alter egos to overcome hardships and difficulties.  Whenever they feel threatened, challenged, or need that little bit of extra strength to undertake a task they switch into their alter ego.  I have been thinking of what my alter ego would be ever since I started reading 9 Chickweed Lane five years ago.

Most people understand that we all have hardships and things that we need to overcome.  Things we struggle with.  Our own personal demons.  They could be anything from board meetings, to paying bills, to overcoming procrastination.  We all have them.  Now take a minute and put all of those things aside.  Go out and have an outing with some good friends or family members and have them help you come up with an alter ego.  This is fine.  They are going to be your side kicks or partners in crime anyway.  You can not be a side kick in your own life.  It doesn't work that way, but you can be a side kick in their lives.  I don't have side kicks.  I have minions, but I do have other people that are on the same villainous league as I am.  We are there to listen and support each other when needed.

Take the time to picture it in your head.  Come up with a name for your alter ego.  Have a motive.  An attack plan.  Design your outfit.  Do it all.  Come up with the ins and outs of your alter ego.  It doesn't have to happen over night.  It took me five years to find mine.

Once you have worked all of that out do what you need to do to become your alter ego.  Wear a bed sheet around your shoulders, speak in a "funny" accent, wear your underwear over your pants and put a belt around the top of your head, strike a funny pose, it will be special to you.  It is your alter ego after all.  Now go back to that thing that was causing you issues before.  It is now your arch nemesis.  You are in an epic battle with it.  It is either you or it, and you shall never lose to your arch nemesis for you are a superhero/villain.

It is a lot easier, isn't it?

You're welcome.

Thy nemesis really does become you.

The power of cute compels you!  <----- My villainous catch phrase