On a Topic Completely Unrelated to Crafts, Cons, or Cosplay

I just watched this video:  http://www.upworthy.com/a-4-year-old-girl-asked-a-lesbian-if-shes-a-boy-she-responded-the-awesomest-way-possible?c=ufb3.  Which has some very good points about it.  And she is very much correct.  We all have our own closets.  Some people might be down right irritated or irate with some of the things that I am about to write.  Honestly after seeing the video there are somethings that I can't get out of my mind, and my mind needs to be focused on my present situation and improving my future and not things that have happened to me in the past.

I photo of me just before a chamber orchestra concert my final year at Webster University 2012.  Shortly thereafter I received a Bachelor of Art in Music a task that was 10 years for me to achieve. (I was hoping to find a photo from around the time that my story starts, but alas, I don't have any that old on my PC.  Sorry everyone.)

There are 2 things that have irritated me to no end.  First off the people that look at my life during stages where things were going well and tell me, "Your life is so perfect."  The second being feminists that believe in so strongly in rape culture that they call men "Schrodinger's Rapist".  The first group simply isn't looking at all the things that you have had to deal with and overcome to get to the things that you have achieved.  This only really irritates me if after attempting to explain to them that we all have our struggles and "problems" in life, and they still blindly believe that there are people out there that don't.  And, not only that, but you are one of them.  The other group I'll get to after a bit more explaining.

I've always wanted to learn how to defend myself, and as a young girl I would ask my parents if I could take martial arts classes or even a self defense course.  To which I was greeted with, "There will always be a man around to protect you."  Which all in all may be true for some people.  I like to have a positive outlook on life, and I think it would be great if there is at least one person in history that this was true for.  But for me it was not the case.  I did ask, "Well, what if there is no man around?"  The response I got was, "There will ALWAYS be one around."  I didn't even think at the time to ask, "But, what if the man that is suppose to protect me is the one attacking me?"

(I know rip off the band-aid and spit it out already.  Somethings just sound better when there is a bit of explaining first . . . or at least I think so.  Mental perpetration and all of the readers . . . all 5 of you.)  So, here goes . . . I was raped . . . 3 separate occasions . . . by 3 different people . . . in less than a year.  For the most part I keep it a secret.  For starters I don't want it to alter the way people see me and interact with me.  And, secondly I don't want to hurt my parents.  I don't want them to think that they did anything to cause the situation.  In short I didn't want them to blame themselves for what happened to me.  It wasn't their fault.

It happened during my first year as an "adult".  Right out of high school, still trying to figure out life, myself, and the world in general.  The first 2 times it happened I hadn't even gone that far of my own choosing.  So, the experience colored my interactions with people for a while, a long while.  But, I never once blamed every single man the ever walked the Earth.  Why?  Perhaps, because my second attacker was a woman.  (Yes, you read that correctly.  A woman was raped by another woman.)  Perhaps, because I think that everyone is free to act and think according to their own choosing.  Or, maybe because I truly, believe that everyone is different and not everyone would do the same things in those situations.  This is why I don't agree with the "Schrodinger's Rapist" group.  I always counter act it with "Pavlov's Victim".  To which for a long time I was.  I had conditioned myself to be a victim.  I wore the title "victim" like small children wear their favorite outfit.

It took 3 years of training in Aikido to realize the problems with my mindset.  I was under the tutelage of some very great men at Kodama School of Aikido.  Which is also a part of Makoto Aikido Kyokai.  Or at least it was.  Last I heard they had to stop having regular classes which is a shame.  There are some very great lessons to be learned there.

The "victim" image even clouded my marriage.  I don't exactly blame my husband, but I do blame myself for not getting out of a bad situation sooner.  I had been married for less than 6 months when I knew that my marriage would fail.  Not from lack of trying . . . at least on my part.  If I put myself in a situation I will see it through to the end.  But, he had given up on me.  He had given up on trying to help me, understand me, and was blaming me for some of the obstacles I had with intimacy.  My feelings of inadequacy were heightened even more when I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome.  The religion I grew up in said it was a woman's duty to provide her husband with children, and here I was faced with the reality that may never happen.  My husband at the time "distanced" himself from me because "he didn't want to be hurt if he lost me".  Yet, he wouldn't listen to me when I said it is a non-lethal condition.

After my husband finally left me.  On the other side of the country from anyone I knew and having not left me establish friendships of my own for 7 years.  That is when I got into conventions, and cosplay.  So, those of you that were going to go into the "Well, if she didn't hang around THOSE type of people she wouldn't have had that happen."  Or the "If you didn't wear THOSE costumes that wouldn't have happened to you."  You can take a hike.  THOSE people and THOSE costumes brought me my friends, and helped me to build a support network that healed me over time.  I know see that I am a worthwhile human being, and that I can be respected for who I am and not what my body has to offer.

There you have it in a very tight nutshell.  There is so much more to the story than that.  But, if you have read this far, I thank you for caring.  I do hope that my story will help other women overcome some of their emotional and mental issues they have from similar situations.  I want to see something good come out of this situation.  So, feel free to share this story if you are moved to do so.